I Knew
by Angel of Fire SG1
Summary: He knew, he'd always known, but still he'd let it go as far as it had...(JackSam)


**A/N: **_OK who the hell knows where this one came from…_

**Rating: **_Q…while we're at picking random letters as ratings I pick "Q"…well actually Ben picked Q…so this fic is rated Q (or we could call it PG)  
_**Spoilers: **_Chimera – Threads  
_**Pairings: **_Sam/Pete, Sam/Jack  
_**Season: **_8 I guess_

**Disclaimer: **_I don't own Stargate SG-1 or its character, unfortunately…_

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**_I Knew_**

I always knew. From the first moment I heard her say his name, not '_Jack'_ but '_the Colonel'_, I knew. She'd spoken about him differently from the others, like he meant more to her.I'd pretended it didn't matter, that I was imagining things. Whoever he was he didn't mean anything to me, he wasn't a part of my life, only a part of hers, and only in the limited way that a CO could be.

_But I'd still known._

And then I'd met the man himself. One glance into his eyes and I'd seen it all. The jealousy, the pain, the warning, the love…but I reminded myself I'd never seen that in her eyes. Somehow I missed the way she also looked at him, or maybe it was because she avoided doing so in my presence. Either way I'd suppressed the memory of his eyes, of the way he looked at me and the way he looked at her.

I kept my distance for a long time, we lived far enough apart for us not to take it seriously. But then one night I realised, I realised that I had fallen in love with Samantha Carter. I didn't want to live in Denver, I wanted to be in Colorado Springs, close to her. I'd gone into work the next morning, and put in for a transfer.

_But still I had known…_

My next big reminder came after I had proposed. OK it had been a stupid idea, way to fast. But I guess that was the reason why. I wanted to know for sure if it was me, or if it was him. Two weeks I waited as she made her decision. I should have stopped it then, I should have pushed her away, knowing it wasn't going to work, but I kept going, kept going even though…

_I had still known…_

She had been so happy when she'd said yes that I had almost forgotten about everything. Not until her engagement party did it all surface again. He was there. Him and Daniel and Teal'c. Daniel and Teal'c were nice enough, they made conversation, asked questions, almost like protective brothers. But Jack sat alone, in the corner, with his beer and watched. He watched, a small smile on his face. He was happy for her, but inside he was hurting, I could see that.

He left early.

That was when I'd seen the same look in her eyes. The one I had seen so many months earlier in Jack's eyes. The look of complete and utter loss as she watched him walk away, it seemingly sinking in for the first time exactly what was going on.

_Then I truly knew._

Yet for some stupid reason I stayed. I remained silent, in hope that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't realise. It had been stupid, completely and utterly stupid, of me to stay. If I had cared about her half as much as I thought I did, then I should have let her go, I should have told her that he was the only one that could make her happy. But the selfish part of me hadn't wanted to let go...

_Hadn't wanted to admit to myself that I knew._

The closer the wedding got the more withdrawn she became. The Sam I had fallen in love with had migrated back inside her shell. I didn't see that woman anymore, instead I saw a quiet, thoughtful woman, one who still laughed at my jokes, who still smiled over dinner, but she wasn't there, not inside. Inside she was fading, away from me, away from everyone.  
She took me to meet her father, inside the SGC of all places. I had made a complete and utter idiot of myself. He hadn't been impressed, I could tell. I could tell she hadn't been impressed either.

That hurt me, that I'd made such an idiot of myself. I wanted to climb into a hole and die of embarrassment right there. But instead I went out and bought a house. A house? Who's stupid idea had that been.

_I knew at that moment that it wasn't going to happen…_

But still I searched the entirety of Colorado Springs for that house, the house closest to the one I could find that she had described as her dream house. Then she'd neglected to meet me at the flower shop, to go to work. And not work as in 'saving the planet' stuff, oh no, she'd gone to work to avoid me.

_I'd known then it was over._

But I had one last shot, I took her to the house, I showed it to her. She'd been unimpressed…no that wasn't the word…a look of fear had entered her eyes. The realisation of what she'd gotten herself into. Of what she'd gotten herself into with me, and not with him. I knew then, she'd been hiding in our relationship, pretending she could have something normal, pretending that he didn't mean that much to her.

But she'd been wrong.

When she'd called me and said we needed to talk I knew it was over.

I'd known from the moment I heard her speak his name…

That's why as I stood up and walked away I felt only my own stupidity. That I knew all along, yet I couldn't drag myself away from my own childish hope that maybe she would stay with me. That maybe he didn't mean anything to her, that I was imagining things.

But I had always known that I wasn't.

One look at her from his eyes and I knew he felt about her as she did about him.

And how she didn't about me.

I never saw that look in her eyes when she looked at me, not once in over a year. I should have realised, should have woken up and opened my eyes. But I didn't.

_I knew all along and never did anything._

Now I sit in the back of a crowded church, I watch her as she walks the aisle and meets him at the end. I know that could have been me, but deep inside I've reconciled with myself that it should have been him, and it is.

I smile, knowing that she will be happy.

Knowing that I should've realised that she was using me to hide from her own feelings, that I should have told her to wake up and follow her heart.

But I didn't.

And eventually she had.

I had known all along, and now I knew that they would be happy together.

I stand up and slip out of the church, unnoticed by her.

_I knew.

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_


End file.
